Pining
by Kagedtiger
Summary: WARNING: SPOILERS FOR BOOK 5! After the end of the book, Lupin has been acting strangely. Sirius x Lupin slash.


Pining

  


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**Notes: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, as we all know. I am making no profit from these characters or this story. WARNING: Contains spoilers for Book 5.**  
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"So..." said Harry awkwardly. "...How is everyone?" 

It had been easier this summer, because everyone was free to write him, and often, such as now, even called him on the telephone. (Those who knew how to use one, anyway. Usually it was Hermione.) At the same time though, he sometimes wished they wouldn't. Things hadn't been the same since the end of the last school year, and awkward silences were becoming more and more common. 

Hermione was spending a long stay the headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix. In fact, most of the Order was still there. There had been a brief discussion whether or not to continue to use it after Sirius's death, but eventually they had decided to remain. The practicality of it was much more important than some percieved sense of respect for the departed. Besides, Sirius had always said he wanted to help them in any way he could. 

"Everyone's... okay," said Hermione, also sounding slightly strained. "People are, well, not fantastic, obviously, but dealing. Well, except-" she cut herself off, leaving a strange silence at the other end of the phone. 

"Except who?" asked Harry, curious despite himself. Though he hated himself for it, he still felt the need for others to be as miserable as he was. He knew it was base, but he couldn't help it. He hurt, and he felt angry when no one else hurt but him. 

"Well..." Hermione sounded unsure of whether or not she wanted to burden him with yet another thing. But in the end she caved, probably for lack of an alternative topic. "It's Professor Lupin. Sometimes he seems normal, but then sometimes he just goes into these deep fits of depression where he'll lock himself up somewhere. Usually with Buckbeak. I've never seen anything like it." 

"Well," said Harry, "it stands to reason, doesn't it? I mean, Sirius was his best friend. Imagine how you would feel if Ron or I died. It would be horrible." 

"Yeah." Hermione sounded slightly unconvinced. "Yeah, I know it would. But I don't know. Sometimes I think that even that doesn't account for some of his behavior. It's just... well, really odd." 

Harry could feel himself becoming slightly exasperated with her, and squelched the impulse. It wasn't her fault that he was easily irritated these days. 

"Alright. Well, tell me if he starts getting worse or something, okay? Maybe I could talk to him. After all, he was the only other person who cared about... him... as much as I did." The idea wasn't exactly something he was looking forward to, but Lupin was a friend, and if he could help, he knew he should. 

  


  


  


'Dear Charlie,' 

Mrs. Weasley sat with a quill and parchment at the kitchen table, writing a letter to her son in Romania. Lupin was the only other person in the room, and he was curled up morosely in a chair in the corner, staring into space. 

'I wrote you before of exactly what happened to Sirius Black,' wrote Mrs. Weasley. 'It was a horrible thing, of course, but we're all coping. This house seems so forbidding without him. It's a strange feeling, but it's almost as though he tamed the place.' 

The doorbell rang, and the portrait of Mrs. Black in the hall started screaming. Over the racket, Mrs. Weasley heard Hermione call out, "I'll get the door!" 

She turned to Lupin, who seemed not to have heard either doorbell or portrait. "Dear," she said quietly, "would you mind seeing to Mrs. Black? You're really the only one who can calm her nowadays." 

Lupin looked up at her with a strange, not-quite-there expression. "Since he died, you mean." 

Mrs. Weasley winced slightly and nodded. Sometimes she wished that Lupin would just break down. It would certainly seem a lot more healthy than what he was doing now. But she didn't make the suggestion and Lupin got up to go close the curtains around the painting. 

'The only person I'm really worried about is Remus Lupin,' she continued in her letter. 'He doesn't seem to be coping at all. He goes into these strange moods where he'll wander around the house like a ghost. Well, less like a ghost actually, because he doesn't even seem aware of his surroundings. And then sometimes he locks himself away to do who-knows-what. I'm beginning to be afraid that he might be hurting himself or something. He always seems to talk about Sirius's death, but never mentions his name. I'm telling you, it's unhealthy behavior.' 

Lupin came back into the room, having successfully quieted Mrs. Black, and slumped back into his chair. Mrs. Weasley looked at him pityingly. "Would you like me to make you a cup of tea Dear?" she asked quietly. 

Lupin shook his head, continuing to stare at the far wall. "No thank you." 

Mrs. Weasley felt briefly helpless, and went back to writing her letter. 

  


  


  


"What is wrong with him?!" asked Tonks angrily. She was pacing a room upstairs furiously. "Can't he see that he's more important now than ever? Voldemort is back, Sirius is dead, and all he can do is sit around moping all day! He's going to get someone else killed at this rate." 

Bill Weasley stared at her. He knew why she was angry. Anyone who had just been through as close a call as their mission that day would be. Lupin couldn't function anymore. Bill wasn't even sure he was trying. Still, Tonks was being a little hard on him. 

"Lay off a little, would you? The man just lost his best friend. He's bound to be upset about it." 

"Well how do you think we feel?" she asked, her voice suddenly losing its angry edge and gaining a more plaintive note. "He was our friend too. We all cared about him, not just Lupin. And yet he won't even talk to any of us about it. Sure, he talks about him _dying_, but he never really talks about Sirius, does he?" 

Bill shook his head. "It's no use trying to fathom his motives. People do odd things when they're in pain. Like you for instance. See, you get angry." 

Tonks flushed and sat down in a chair across from Bill's. "Alright, I admit it. I'm really, really upset about losing Sirius. He was... well, he was a great person. I miss him. I want him back." She sobbed once, and put her face in her hands. Bill got up and walked over to her, putting a gently hand on her shoulder. "Look, I know it's not easy. It's not easy for any of us. But Sirius wouldn't have wanted us to spend all the time moping around, you know? He would have wanted us to keep going, to keep fighting, and not let this distract us." 

Tonks sniffled and nodded. "Y-yeah. He would've." 

"Here." Bill handed her a handkerchief and waited while she blew her nose. "Now, if you want, we can try to talk some sense into Remus later. But for now, I think you might need some tea. Or a nap, maybe?" 

Tonks stood up and wiped at her eyes, handing the soggy handkerchief back to Bill. "Let's go down and make tea. I feel like something warm to drink." 

Bill nodded and followed her downstairs. 

  


  


  


Lupin turned the key in the lock behind him and sat down against the wall. Across the room, Buckbeak was asleep, snoring lightly in Hippogriff fashion. Lupin watched him for a while, observing the rise and fall of breath in the creature's chest. Life. That was it. Taken for granted while it was here, then so easily taken away. 

He remembered the way Harry's chest had heaved heavily up and down and he struggled to keep him from chasing after Sirius's body. The boy had been screaming, horribly upset, in disbelief and denial. 

Lupin had just been numb. 

He wished he could have screamed and cried and carried on. But protecting Harry had been the most important thing. He couldn't let himself be weak. There was too much at stake. 

But now... now there was nothing. Just a huge empty void. 

"Sirius," he whispered to the night air. He could see the moon outside the window. The pale rays shone down on the floor between him and Buckbeak, illuminating most of the room, but leaving both of them in shadow. 

"It will be the full moon soon," he continued, realizing that he was talking to himself. But he needed to say things to Sirius. He couldn't _not_ talk to him. "It will be my first one without you. I don't know how I'm going to manage." He took a deep sighing breath. "Sure, I have friends here. They'd all stay with me if I asked, I'm sure. But none of them could turn into a big black dog for me to curl up against. 

"You were always so warm, Sirius. Did I ever tell you that? I don't remember. But you were. I loved curling up against you for heat. And I remember your scent, too. It's amazing, but you smelled almost the same as a dog as you did when you were human." 

Lupin crawled forward a few inches to where the moonlight was streaming in the window. It sure was bright tonight. He put his hand into the path and watched the way the silvery light played through his fingertips. It looked almost like water, the way the moonlight flooded around his outstretched digits to come swirling to the floor, lighting the dull wood with an unearned splendor. 

"I can't do this without you. I miss you so much. I feel like... like my heart has been ripped out of my body. They always say that, in metaphors. But it's true. It does actually feel that way." 

He turned his hand over. Most people never really appreciated moonlight enough, he thought. 

"You had your way in the end. I promised you, didn't I? I said that we wouldn't tell them about us until you were ready. You know I always wanted them to know that we were a couple. I wanted them to see how much I loved you. But I knew you couldn't handle it. You were scared, I saw that. I know what it's like to be scared. So I promised that we wouldn't tell them." 

Lupin suddenly choked on his words as he felt a lump rising in his throat. "But you won't ever be ready now, will you? You can't. You're gone. You've left me forever, and now I can never tell them. It's not fair. I wanted them to know I loved you. I wanted them to know that you loved me, too. I was so proud of that, jealous of it. I hoarded that feeling. You loved me. It was too good to be true. I wanted the world to know. 

"But you left me, in the end. Oh God. How could you? I loved you so much. I told you not to take foolish risks. But you never listened. And now you've gone and gotten yourself killed. 

"But don't worry. I still love you. I promise." 

Lupin crept forward once again until his entire body was bathed in the stream of moonlight. He lay down, resting his head on the hard boards. The moon was no comfort. It never had been. But it was at least familiar. 

He slept. 

  


  


- THE END -

Oh God, that was hideous. Take me back.   
or   
Oh God, that was hideous. Let me complain to the author. 


End file.
